Monday, August 12, 2002

Blogs are a dime a dozen. Why should you bother with mine?

Here's why-- my new special offer of one hour spent in my personal company!

To you, strange internet person who stays up all night and surfs the web looking for innocent young women to scam into touching you, I offer this once in a life time deal!

Or you-- Tired of being alone? Do you feel a little lost and confused by recent events? Have you found yourself wandering through other people's online journals just to try and reconnect with a morally corrupt and ethically bankrupt society that no longer hold any meaning for someone of your intellectual and imaginative caliber?

And hey, maybe you, new to the area and looking for love in all the wrong places? Can't seem to shake the idea that people are following you?

I have got the offer of a life time for each and every one of you! You get me a villa in Tuscany and enough money to live and support Euro Trash who might visit occasionally, and I will come out of this veiled disguise of a blog and actually share my pleasant company and great humor with you IN PERSON for time including or up to at least ONE HOUR! Wipe those eyes young Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! This offer is genuine and real!

Respond right now and I will throw in a free, YES FREE, complete address book of all of those fabulous exes and spurn-ors of affection who have ever shit on my little heart. Feel free to stalk or make threatening phone calls once this book is yours!

I know, I know, your thinking all of this for only a villa in Tuscany and the income to support it? Where is the catch? Let me tell you, there is no catch. Wondering what we could do during this hour, you ask suspiciously? Why we could tour museums (I happen to have some fascinating theories on post-modernism). We could have a quiet cup of coffee and chortle over our shared sense of humor. You could try to touch me inappropriately and I could smack you back down to size, a--hole. Or, I could call you from a pay phone, arrange a secret rendezvous, and never show up! (But I promise darlings, this will be only after I get the money and deed to the villa).

Don't pass on this once in a lifetime event. You've read the blog, now here is a snowball's chance in hell of actually meeting me!

The Center of the Universe cannot promise to comply with all above statements, but will pick and choose at her pleasure, and will accept only cashiers checks and/or money orders. Offer does not apply to friends whom Center knows are broke, but perhaps a shared pizza and rented movie would compensate.