Recently, one of my "BFF's" made up a brand new spankin' holiday. Not for dead presidents, not to celebrate the many magical uses of duck tape (Duck Tape-- it stops chemical warfare too!), or even the beauty of your cat starting to act like a normal everyday cat and hang out in the living room, but instead she created a day to honor and respect those people in your life who are acting like complete dildos.
Today, loudly declare February 24th, and say, Today is So-And-So is a Dildo Day!.
It could be your boss, the woman in your office who asks you to order her supplies and fix her computer and turns off her phone so you have to pick it up even though NOWHERE in your job description does it say, "I am this woman's office bitch for all time", the asshole on the bus who took up two seats, or even the bus driver who was obviously off picking his/her nose somewhere and not getting you to work on time.
Yes, they are all Dildos!!
Take up your banner and wave it around, because whoever it is, they are a Dildo and today we celebrate that fact!
So who am I declaring a Dildo for all the world to know? Why, being the center of the universe and all, I think I will include not just one person, but the majority of people I meet in general to be dildos today!!! Stop getting in my way when I walk down the street! Dont make small talk with me on public transportation, I'm a stranger! Dont, and I mean DONT, share personal information on your cell phone in your "outdoor" voice! And please, whoever is collecting any kind of figurine of any sort, knock it off! Those things are stupid!
And, to these people especially:
That woman in my office I mentioned before as a general example-- Dildo!
That bus driver, who prevented me from getting to dunkin donuts in time for my morning meeting-- double dildo!!!
The idiot guy who I took the time and effort to actually treat like a human being after he dumped me via my friends ("I think I just want to be her friend") and then the next time I saw, gave me the wimpiest hug ever and acted all strange-- Dildo! Dont waste my time with bad hugs and shitty hellos!
The landlord, and perhaps every landlord everywhere- Dildos! All of them! Lower the rent, dildo!
And finally, to the makers of Capri Sun during the mid 80s to the early 90s, for your shoddy stupid silver pouches and too sharp straws that always poked through the back of the container and either meant I got your damned tasty fruit juice all over me, or couldn't really drink it at all because of the physics of vacuums with holes in them, which you obviously forgot to take into account, and in general, really put a drag on most of my childhood lunch time activities-- DILDO!