Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Here's salt in your eye

I have developed an obsession with saltines and cereal.

Not at the same time, of course. That's gross. No, my problem is that once I start eating either of these two foods, I cannot stop. Yes, I will eat a whole box of cereal in, oh, two days-- if I pace myself. And the saltines- forget about it. I put them down like they are going out of style.

And in a way, Saltines have gone out of style. You know where they are in your local grocery store isles? The bottom row. The politics of the grocery store result in only the shiny bright and new products being at eye level-- the prized middle row-- while healthy versions tend to be somewhere at the top, just out of reach, and generic knock offs gather dust at the bottom.

Now, I'm all for the generic brand, because I'm cheap. But why are is the brand name, preservative packed, high priced version down there, living in obscurity, forsaken for whole wheat multi grain oat baked vegan rice crackers with the flash advertising campaign and designer logo in the middle row?

Am I the only one who loves the Saltine this much?

The strange part is that no one seems as shocked as I am to find myself addicted to this salty and crispy cracker of delight. Because everyone agrees that yes, Saltines are delicious, and yes, we all like to eat them except that I know, due to their lonesome bottom row existence, no one else is eating them on the scale that I am. Everyone loves these crackers, but no one buys them. No one says, "I'll just take this package into the TV room and have a before-dinner snack" to find oneself, 20 minutes later, shaking on sodium, covered in crumbs and granules, mouth too dry to even lick one's finger's tip in order to better pick up those crumbs and eat them.

Shame on all of you.