Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Insert score to JAWS here--

Be afraid, be very afraid.

For I, glorified accountant and phone support specialist ("can I take a message?") have been tested positive for the dreaded computer geek disease-- CARPAL TUNNEL!!!!

When I say "tested positive" what I mean is, I have been in pain long enough to prove to my doctor that yes indeed, there is a problem.

"CT", as the cool kids call it, is such a fucking pain in the ass. You do not know how much you use your hands until you effing wake up one morning with throbbing, burning pain inside your forearm, and numb and tingling fngers. Oh, I know that you THINK you know how vital your hands are- sure, right now, you're shaking your head, dismissing me as one crazy bitch- but I'm here to warn you of the IMMINENT DANGER that you are in, RIGHT this VERY SECOND, taking your poor sweet hands for granted and exposing them to the worst fate.

'But Center, c'mon, I use my hands everyday. I know how important they are to me."

Oh no buddy- you have no friggin clue.

Go bang the inside of your wrist on a sharp edge a couple hundred times. Stop when you can't even lift a cup of coffee without discomfort.

Its too late for me kiddies. There is no use weeping and wailing now, I'm long gone. But you can still save yourselves by following this simple life plan:

KEEP YOUR WRISTS STRAIGHT.

Don't drop them. Don't rest them on anything while moving your hand. Don't let your mousing hand do all the movement-- move from the shoulder, noodle arms! Think about typing like a puppet master, fingers dangling over the keys. Please, please, fold in those little feet things under your keyboard- if anything, you really want the keyboard to slope down away from you. Elbows in, back staight but supported! Looking at things on Amazon DOES NOT COUNT as a break! Just take a friggin break, please. Don't type with your wrist's resting on the keyboard, or on that terrible aforementioned pad. Get rid of that wrist pad, its only there to tempt you like the very Devil himself. Right now, you just lifted up your wrists from the pad, didn't you? Didn't you?! Keep those wrists straight, for the love of God!

I beg you. Don't end up like me- a namby pamby who dropped her wrists every chance she had and now has to pay the got-damned piper for it.