Friday, March 05, 2004

Alright, fuck it

You know what? I was just gonna leave the little thing below about having the Worst Week of 2004 and not name names or explain myself but fuck that noise, I'm entitled to getting my rant on whenever I want (check out Go Fuck Yourself as an example of this philosophy).

First of all, you know what really yanks my chain? The fact that out of everyone I have told about this site, maybe three people read this. Now, I'm fully aware of the inherent evil that is a blog or online journal- more often than not it is a place to send secret 'is this about me or isn't this about me' kind of messages to people.

"Um, when you say you hate your friends and you want to die, does that mean you actually hate me, because I totally did not mean to pee in your hamper last night. I was really drunk."

But I don't do that. IN FACT, I have occasionally considered starting another blog entirely so that I could talk about my real life because whether or not they read it, I gave practically everyone I know this address.

Why did I give everyone I know this address?
1. I am an idiot
2. I am proud of this site.

The HTML is for shit, the contents are hit or miss, my opinions are uninformed and weird, and I use too much profanity. But I have never written anything before. I always thought to myself- like every white middle class suburban kid- wouldn't it be the coolest thing ever if I was a writer? I can totally write!

And I'm still not a writer, but now I can say FUCK YOU WORLD and have it be published on the internet, for three people to see!

So, I'm not talking about anyone but myself, and I don't have any hidden messages, and I'm doing something that I am really proud of, and not one of my friends (The Analyst, TOH, and my mother excluded) bothers to look at it.

This reminds me of my jackass teenage years, and how this one time, my"BFF" (best friends for-ev-ah!!) asked me to come to some of her volleyball games after she made the team, and I scoffed, "I'm way too cool to stay after school". It took me almost 5 years and a lot of self analysis to realize it had nothing to do with how cool I was, it was about supporting her. Eh, we aren't friends anymore but still- I wish I wasn't so retarded sometimes.

The only thing supporting me right now is my Gap bra. (Ba-dum-ching. You totally saw that coming.)

You know what else sucks right now? Fucking CARPAL TUNNEL!

I can't use my hands! I can't pick things up! I can't twist off bottle tops! I drop things all the time, I have pain when I just sit around watching TV, I have to wear these ace bandage splint things every single hour of the day- and they are getting a little smelly, but I can't wash them! Cuz I can't use my hands! And I have to wear them all the time! So I have pain AND a weird odor.

Its doing so much for my self esteem.

Other things that have contributed to this terrible week:

The terrible Department of Hell asked me to come in two times a week for the next month. I can't say no. I'm being paid thousands of dollars to collate and enter data. Actually, due to the carpal tunnel, I'm just collating.

I got appointments for another department at the same time and I finally, after a YEAR of struggling, am starting to make headway with my Add Web Master to your Resume by Actually Re-creating the Company Website plan, which has been in action for the past 2 years, and now I'm too busy to do it. I AM TOO BUSY TO DO WORK THAT I WANT TO DO THAT IS RELATED TO MY JOB-- how often does something like that happen???

My life is coming to a "stay or go" point. Stay in my job, in this town, or go to Hawaii and hang ten? Get a graduate degree, or live for the now? Be some sort of starving artist in NYC or Paris, or get social security for life in Sweden? And all I really want to do is stomp my feet and wah and wah and wah until someone hands me a lolly and asks where my mom is.

"Could the mother of the center of the universe come pick up her whinny brat at the customer service desk?"