Saturday, March 06, 2004

Yes Ma'am

I think I want to be a librarian. Yes, it means going back to school (and mind you, not Columbia or Harvard or any of those places, but Southern Connecticut University), and it means less money than if I pursued the fabulous world of Accounting and Finance, but hey- how much bling do I really need in this life?

And anyways, its pretty obvious that money isn't my reason for doing anything- I went to college a European History Major (with a special fondness for medieval History) and came out the exact same 4 years later. All those swank history offices on Madison Avenue were beating down my door, but I told them, "hey, guys, I'm really flattered, but I really am just in the mood for some nice boring administrative work where I will be forced to use words like 'proactive' and 'functionality' in everyday scenarios. I live for taking meetings and sending emails."

But a library is where it is at! I get to be with books- books and tons of books!- and even if I worked at some sort of help desk somewhere, the book to people ratio would always be in my favor! Less people and more books! That's my kinda fun.

And, just by default, I will always always have the answer- there will be no trumping me in my library, oh no, because I will have immediate access to the reference section, the online catalogs, the cross referenced material hidden in psychological neurosis when you thought it was simply a matter of finding the agriculture section! I will be the smartypants!

Plus, in a very laid back way, I'm all for free and public knowledge. Especially if it means more free books and/or software for me.

Finally, for the first time, I think maybe ever, I have a sense of myself in the future- beyond just actual existence and the certainty of television's central role in my life. I see something that I could actually do, that would be challenging, that would have meaning, that might give me pleasure and job security too- I could totally rock this whole librarian thing.

I posted everything that I really thought yesterday, and I have been uncomfortable ever since- it was all very negative and full of the kind of self-pity that I look down on in other people. I don't want to be an angry person, or a jealous one, and certainly not one who is constantly wounded and never happy. There is this huge gap between me as a happy crazy person that I want to be and the me who felt so terrible yesterday. But then this librarian shit came up, and the more I looked into it, the less crappy I felt-- less disappointed in my friends, less angry at old pain and past hurts, more willing to accept and live gracefully, with all that Sunday School kinda crap about forgiveness and loving kindness.

If only I could have huge cathartic moments and great life-changing epiphanies every day.