Saturday, May 08, 2004

Its electric, boogie woogie woogie

So I went shopping today, as a special treat to myself for being a good Carpal Fucking Tunnel patient. See, right before the shopping extravaganza, I allowed myself to be electrocuted and stuck with needles, all in the name of science and Worker's Comp.

The procedure is called EMG. EMG obviously stand for ERGARGWAH MOTHERFUCKING GAAH! as these are the sounds you make during the electrocution/ needle poking. First, electrodes and wires and gizmos are taped all over your hands and arms. All the places where skin touches wire are coated with that weird gel plastic drippy stuff, which made me a little more nervous than the EMG. What happens if there isn't enough drippy crap on me? Will I blow up? The wires are hooked up to this laptop, which is also connected to the electrocution device. The doctor then pulls out this funny wand looking thing from the electrocution device and shoots you with electricity, of varying voltage. Next, she says something about "the hard part" and takes out a giant fucking needle, which you didn't notice was also a part of the electrocution-cum-torture device.

Actually, being zapped over and over and over wasn't necessarily all that bad. It was kinda the same as building up a whole lot of static electricity and then touching a TV antenna. BAM! and then a tingle (plus, if you are charged enough, the TV might turn on. True story, I once zapped the TV on). Sometimes the doctor would give me warning, "ok, one, two, three" and zap!, but then, other times, it was electrode roulette and I just had to guess where the next shock was going to land. My favorite was the repeated zaps to the same location, as if she wasn't getting the right answer from my damaged nerves and had to keep asking.

The worst part was the needles.

I'm going to get a little graphic here, so if you are squeamish, well toughen the fuck up.

When the needle went in, it went aaaall the way in, not like some namby pamby flu shot. By the way, getting a shot in your arm is cool. All the fat and tough thick skin on your arm makes that shot pretty fucking easy. Don't believe me? Imagine a big ass fucking needle going aaaall the way in to the base of your thumb.

Then, because of the wires and electrodes, I could HEAR her poking at my nerve. Unlike the electrocution, my responses weren't judged by the speed of each zap but by the amount of noise created by poking a needle into my nerves.

Whenever she hit the nerve with the needle, it made this rustling noise, like crinkly rayon pants. I found this out when she didn't hit the nerve and there was dead silence, plus a different kind of pain. Sometimes, she would jab at the nerve, up and down, up and down, and weird sounds came out of the machine. Other times, she had me move my thumb, or "pronate" my wrist (thats fancy talk for turn) and I could hear my nerves and they were saying EERRGH MOTHERFUCKING GAWDAMMIT GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY HAND!

It really weird to hear your own nerves doing their whole nerve thing. Like, each poke was a message and the message got relayed back and forth from that particular point of my nerve to fingers and then to my brain. I'm sure you all be glad to know that when my nerve said FUCK! my brain also said FUCK! plus, GAWDAMN THAT HURTS.

Preliminary results show that I am only mildly abnormal. However, the doctor will analyze the wave functions and have her final report ready by next week.