Thursday, July 15, 2004

kill me

Its day five of the Die-it Extravaganza and I am experiencing some strange and new things:

1. Without bagels and spaghetti, I am not quite as regular. Five days die-iting and I haven't being doing that which all human beings do regularly. I think its starting to affect my personality. However, I have been eating a lot more veggies then I normally do, so I now conclude that eating 5 a day to stay healthy is a load of crap (ha ha). Obviously, just like daylight savings, this is all a conspiracy done by farmers and the USDA.

2. Immediately after eating a meal, I have an overwhelming urge to consume all of the food in the world. I will be full- even totally full, overwhelmingly full, and still this compulsion to stuff my face and stuff my face and stuff my face comes over me. This leads me to believe that carbohydrates are the devil, even though I rationally know that this sort of Atkins retardo thinking is embarrassing and stupid.

3. I think about glazed donuts and coffee rolls (giant glazed donuts with cinnamon) and bowties (big twisty glazed donuts) from when I wake up to when I go to bed.

4. I just read that carrots are one of the no-no vegetables, because they are high in sugars (not like, sugar sugar, but like starchy chemical sugar that makes your insulin go through the roof, causing you to get chub and also worship satan). However, carrots were featured in one of the Phase 1 recipes, so I thought carrots were okay, SO I HAVE BEEN EATING CARROTS ALL WEEK, DEAR GOD I AM FULL OF EVIL AND MY TEMPLE HAS BEEN DEFILED!!!

5. Sugar withdrawal is officially worse the trying to quit smoking (not that I have actually successfully quit smoking, but the many many times I have tried to quit entitles to make this comparison).

6. In the face of so many obstacles, I have decided that I will not give up! I will fight! I will see this through to the end of at least Phase 1! One cookie won't kill me! No, I WILL NOT OBEY YOU DEMON SUGAR GOD, I am going to be free!!!