Sunday, August 22, 2004

Having a crappy time, wish you were here!

I really need to get up, get in the shower, and get out of the house. Its a beautiful day outside, which for Maryland in August, is particularly rare.

Its just that I have nothing to do. OK, you're thinking, I do nothing anyways. But before, I actually had things to do- laundry, cleaning, going to bed at a reasonable hour for work, going to work. Here, in my parents house, the cleaning lady does the chores and I don't have a job. I never really did my laundry and I avoided cleaning as much as possible, I went straight to work and straight home-- but they were things to do and the act of not doing them kept me pretty busy.

The first few days after moving home, my anxiety was through the roof. My hands shook, my jaw ached from clenching so much, and I couldn't settle down at all. Now I'm a big old nothing to do person. I do nothing, I feel nothing, I look forward to nothing.

School starts in a week. I don't know if school actually starts for me, because I haven't gotten any information about financial aid. Oh, I got offered tons of loans- 18 grand worth of loans, but fuck if I am going to pay 18 grand plus the difference to go to grad school. The only people who pay for grad school are the future lawyers and doctors of America- because they are going to graduate into careers that will make them enough money to pay off those loans before they retire. I need scholarships! I need grants! I need assistantships and on campus jobs and MONEY! I really need someone from this fucking school to call me back so I can find out, within the next 7 days, if me leaving my life as I knew it to go to this fucking school is actually going to happen or if I just left my independent, fully financed life in order to move home and be unemployed, uninsured, and future-less.