Thursday, September 16, 2004

the return of the mack

Sigh. I like someone.

HOW FUCKING TERRIBLE!! Its the end of the world, seriously.

The worst part, for me, is the whole "being nice to someone because you like them" thing.

Here's an example: He mentions liking wasabi. I see some wasabi peanuts at Trader Joe's and spend five minutes in the aisle debating about whether or not I can really be that nice to someone.

Let's just repeat it once, for posterity: I spend 5 minutes debating about buying some fucking peanuts because it might be too nice.

And then I went ahead and bought the peanuts!!

Obviously, someone has put a voo-doo curse on me and I'm actually a zombie-Center of the Universe, being pulled and pushed by the invisible strings of my Zombie Master.

However, I totally saved my dignity when I threw the peanuts at him, punched him in the arm, and ran away screaming, "I'm a cold hearted bitch and I hate you!".

I forgot all about the horribleness of liking someone. This past year, I either dated people I wasn't that fond of or just didn't date at all. And this strategy pays off in the end, because when you dump that less-than-fond-of-person over IM, you feel almost no guilt whatsoever. Now, I'm actually worried for someone else. I'm concerned over his lack of sleep. I said, "why didn't you eat anything today?" when frankly, I have the worst eating habits in the world and if someone got all in my face about it, I'd go straight for the head-butt.

Liking someone means having that "holy shit, I AM fucking crazy" moment of self-realization. As if my life wasn't already full of so many of those moments. The thing is, I live by a "be nice" policy. I say my pleases and thank yous, I tip twenty percent automatically, and I always use my blinker to signal when I am turning. But fucking christ, being nice to someone who you want to like you back is the hardest fucking thing... like, ever. I'm so lame with liking, I can't even think of something harder then liking someone.

And just to further drive the point home, I'll give you another example:

He said, "blah blah, cuz I really like you" and I replied, "I really like me too."

In slow motion, that reply actually went something like this-- a moment of shock, then joy, my brain was still trying to form the thought, "I like you too" when my whole body convulsed, my head rotated, I spewed green pea soup all over his Adidas, and then, "I really like me too."

Oh yes, I really do like me just so very much.