Saturday, November 06, 2004

and you thought i'd lost my sense of humor

Positive things that have happened recently:

  1. Aced my midterms
  2. Aced my papers
  3. Smarter then you
  4. Went to buy a pack of smokes, got a free pack with it
  5. Made a funny joke about Melville Dewey. A funny joke that even non-library grad students would laugh at.*

And then I found a lump ON MY ASS. Thursday night, I'm sitting in class and this thought happens in my brain: "my butt hurts. Must be sitting too much." I go home that night and surprise! find this weird little lump in my left check.

The first thing I think is: I will never have sex again because I have ass cancer and no one want to have sex with a person wearing a colostomy bag. Ass cancer = colostomy bag.

Second thing: I'm going to have to call the doctor's office and say, on the phone to the nurse person, "there is something wrong with my ass."

Second, part A.: Do nurse people in reception have to swear by doctor-patient confidentiality? What if s/he hangs up the phone and turns around to the lobby and says, "M____ F____ has a lump on her ass! Ha ha! Ass lumps are funny!"

Third: What if it is just a hemorrhoid? Is it a hemorrhoid? Oh, I'm going to have to stick a suppository up my ass. Oh. Oh no--

Fourth: Oh my god, my doctor may have to stick something up my ass.

So I go home and have my mom look at it (perhaps THE ONLY perk of living at home, Dr. Mom checking out your butt in the kitchen) and she says she thinks its a pimple.

A pimple? A fucking pimple? This thing could take over China! What if I go to the doctor and she has to poke around only to tell me, "yup, its a pimple, go home"! She MIGHT HAVE TO POKE AROUND MY ASS!

I believe in active health care, I really do. I get my check-ups, I get my blood tests, I don't wait for bad things to happen-- I make sure they aren't there to begin with. This is true with every aspect of my life. If I think you have bad news to tell me, I will seek you out to hear it. If there is going to be some kind of repercussion to my actions, then lets get to it now. Why wait? Get it done with so we can all move on with our lives that much faster.

But now my ass has a lump! A lump in my ass! Holy Christ!

*Ok, maybe, non-library grads that are currently or have recently been in a library and make nerdy jokes about topics related to the liberal arts.

I love foot notes. I really do. I get angry when a professor demands APA style because I can't use wonderful wonderful footnotes