Saturday, December 25, 2004

FIIIIIIIIIVE GOLD RINGS (ba dum dum dum)

Happy 'Winter Holiday', whichever it might be!

I'm having my first Adult Child of Divorce Christmas. Not too bad. I get to eat, a lot. And there are presents-- which is basically what I look for in any kind of celebration, presents and food.

Presents and food, people! That's what the holidays are all about!

My friend Polly Jaye was raised Jehovah's Witness, so she doesn't really get Christmas. Its kind of hard to explain the rules of gift giving to someone who didn't grow up with a lifetime of that unique Christmas guilt and dread that someone you didn't buy something for bought something for you. And then the obligation to run out and spend your cash on a dumb scented candle for someone you don't like much anyways.

Its also difficult to put into words the reasons to hang out with your retarded second cousin and his fourteen children on your day off. All those kids running and screaming the twelve fucking days of Christmas with grubby fingers in each other's noses while your grandmother subtly questions your sexuality by pointing out that for yet another year you are unmarried and un-babied.

All this bullshit is what the holidays are about too.

Even with the bath salts and relatives, I love Christmas. I love the tree, I love the lights on houses, the presents, the stockings, and especially the cookies. My mom makes a special set of cookies for Christmas- there is the Christmas peppermint candy cane cookie, the Christmas fudge with walnuts and cherries, the Pfeffernusse (German gingerbread, basically), and, oh god!, the chocolate chip coconut cranberry cookies-- lemme just say that again-- chocolate chip coconut cranberry, people! How can anyone not like Christmas when there are CHOCOLATE CHIPS and COCONUT and CRANBERRIES all in one delicious cookie!

Most of all, that cookie is what Christmas is about-- taking all the best things and putting them together in one place so that it is extra extra good. Presents and family, guilt and empty wallets, that's just the icing on the cake. Sure, its nasty store bought cake and the icing makes your teeth hurt, but hey- you're still eating cake.

And so I say, to one and all, Merry Chirstmukkwanza!