There has been a lot ass in the proximity of my face recently.
On the plane trip to Sweden-- ass everywhere. People walking by my seat to get to the bathroom, the person next to me getting up and crawling over me to get to the bathroom. Me crawling over them, putting my ass in their face, etc.
And the reclining seats! Jerks! One minute I'm happily watching a movie on the ittiest-bittiest screen ever and then the next, "Oh HI! that's your face in my lap! Ha ha, this isn't weird at all! Can I braid your hair?"
Over the weekend, I met Lars Larsson*, the newest and most cutest member of our family. He's six months old, chubby as hell, red-headed and blue eyed. Hands down the most awesome baby in the universe. No really, your baby comes in second. I'm sorry to say it, but its true.
Perhaps the funniest part of the weekend- my cousin, Lars' aunt, pressing her nose right up to his butt to sniff for poopy diapers. Yes, she squished her face into his butt. Oh, swedes-- you guys are great.
I went out last night. And not "out" to blockbusters or burritos either. Out out, to a real bar, with real beer. Of course, the place was packed, I was squished between AF and MKD with AF on the end, so the poor girl had asses all around her (get it? get it? that's literal and figurative!).
Poor AF- this dude had the total hots for her, which normally isn't a bad thing, but she's a lezzy who's been dating the same lezzy for FOUR YEARS. And this dude totally knows it too!
At one point, he was giving her a massage (yeah, a massage. I know! Pointer to dudes: no massages at the bar. Massages at home with the lights dim? Ok. Bar? No). Me being a two-beer queer already on one and a half, turned around, slapped his hand and said, "Gay! GA-AA-AY!" And, for emphasis, "SHE'S TOTALLY GAY!" Then he gave me a massage, whispering in my ear that even librarians need massages too.
For the record, we don't.
Later in the evening, I dropped a pen and had to finagle my way under the table to find it-- MKD was all, "Get your face out of my girlfriend's coochie, slut!!", which isn't really about an ass, but is damn funny.
The cat just jumped up on the back of my chair and I rubbed my head on what I thought was her face but turned out to be her butt.
On another note, I met many (okay two) people, semi-strangers, who read this blog AND think its funny. Hi people! I'm sort of surprised people who don't know me would find this funny, because most of my readers are people who do know me and the majority of the compliments I receive go something like, "and that's exactly how you talk in real life! Ha ha ha!"
So this guy, still totally wrong. Eat that, biatch.
*Honestly, if you think his name is really Lars Larsson, you are not a regular of this blog. And you obviously haven't been reading the occasional footnote either. Footnotes are very important people! That's where all the cross-referencing magic happens!