Monday, March 07, 2005

meow, i'm catty

I was flipping through the channels, oh... just a second ago, and realized Martha Stewwy is out of jail. It occurred to me that I very only dimly remember her going to jail. And then my brain went,

"So Martha's out of jail. What's that been, A DAY? Sheesh ."

What am I doing? Running around making one-liners out of other peoples' lives? Am I John Stewart? No, I'm not even Mary Hart making bad puns with helmet hair. I'm a big fat no one and I should keep my nose outta other peoples' shizz.

Of course, this should/woulda/coulda attitude does not apply to Vin Diesel, cuz we go back a really long way. Aside his self-produced-directed-acted-written-best boyed indies Strays and Multi-Facial, and the most recent vehicle of cross-over stardom, The Pacifier, I have actually seen every single film he has ever made.

EVERY ---- SINGLE ---- FILM

Check it, I even saw Awakenings, where he is listed as an uncredited Hospital Orderly (although, that wasn't really on purpose as I was only 10 years old).

And so--

Dear Mr. Diesel,

Why? Why make The Pacifier?

To compensate, please consider a role where you fall in some mud and roll around and then have to take your shirt off in front of the slightly overweight but terribly sexy-in-an-understated way librarian with whom you proceed to have a full frontal sex scene because she was the only person to say, "How are you?" and mean it and also unknowingly knows the location for some deadly toxin she saw in some footnotes once that only you can prevent from being released on third world children in Angola.

Thanks a million babe,

The Center of the Universe



PS. All of this doesn't mean I won't be seeing this movie. I'm just waiting for it on video.