Tuesday, May 03, 2005

angry

I'm just going to take a moment out of my insane pile of homework due this friday to express some fury.

A friend of mine has a blog. She dates women. So do I. I enjoy reading her blog, because a lot of it is a lot like my life, and it makes me feel connected, like I belong to this world. She has ups and downs, I have ups and downs.

I noticed this new comment-er, on her site. I checked out his page- like I do a lot of her comment-ers, because often, that is how you find like-minded and enjoyable blogs. That's why blogs are awesome- because we can connect, just with the simple act of talking about our lives, no matter how trivial or mundane.

So this guy is conservative. I hardly agree with his opinions. A few I violently disagree with. No big deal, him believing whatever he believes is no big shit to me, and vice versa. I'm a little confused why someone so "red state" is reading the blog of a young lesbo-something looking for love, but hey, his comments are nice and seem sincere

Today, browsing blogs, I find a little entry on his site about gay marriage. About how gay marriage is wrong and gay parents are wrong. And my stomach turned and the sourest taste entered my mouth and I almost felt like crying.

Why would one more anti-gay sentiment affect me like this?

I think to myself, how many times has he told my friend to cheer up, to keep going, when she broke up with someone (female) or doesn't find someone or feels alone? How many times has he made the same old naughty sex jokes we all make about lezz sex and lezzies in general? Why is sex okay and parenting not?

So, I can have sex with a woman, because that's a turn on, but I can't love a woman, marry her, be with her, raise our family together? Is it okay for me to ride the bus as long as its the back of the bus and drink from a fountain as long as it my own special fountain or vote as long as I am a man and own a certain amount of land or work for less money than a man because I am a woman?

Many times, I have felt denigrated, put upon, or dismissed, for being a woman. But I have purposefully made the choice to live my life as the human being I am, and not the gender role anyone assigns me. I'm smart, funny, compassionate, and a hard-ass, and I am these things in public and in private.

But as a gay person- and here I say "gay" because I am speaking for the total group of lesbians, fags, bis, trannies, gender-benders, dykes, femmes, fag hags and the rest--I fail.

I do. I am not out and proud. I do not live my life so as to prove those of you who would think less of me for being gay wrong. I'm out to some people, the people who matter to me. But I am not out in my life. At school, at work, on the metro, I am not out. If I am always a woman, and live my life purposefully for being a woman, then I am always gay as well. I have always known this, and have been ashamed of myself ignoring it. Yes, I have lied and called a "she" a "he" in some situations. Mostly, I just don't tell the stories that make me gay, even though that robs me of my whole self. I am afraid when someone tells someone else about me, because I can't control what that person will think of me-as-gay. I can't stop someone for hating me for being gay, even though someone who hates me in the exact same way- for being a woman, for wearing glasses, whatever- is absolutely worthless to me.

With Killy, and the people in my life who know, I am the realest me there is. I am complete. I don't hide anything away.

Do I hate this man because he is anti-gay? No. I am sick because he knows the complete me and is still anti-gay. I am sick because in the place where I felt safe and secure, where I expressed myself as my whole self, I thought he was okay. But he isn't.

You can't separate one part of me from the rest and call one part good and the rest terrible. You rob me of my humanity by splitting my life up into these bits and pieces. I am a whole human being and therefore am worth the things you are worth, regardless of our differences. You insult me, insult my friends, insult all people like me, by trying to make us "one" and the "rest". I may lie and hide myself, but the difference is I don't name some part of me evil or degenerate. I might be afraid, but I don't stop being gay just because I don't tell someone about it. I know that the parts make the whole, and it as the whole that I will be judged for the life I lived.

So go fuck yourself and your bullshit bigotry.