Monday, June 20, 2005

ebay? e-hell yeah!

Sigh. Like most of us internet fiends, who spend more than 20 hours a week on the computer, I have finally met ebay. And in these past few, but memorable, weeks since we first met, ebay has come to totally own my ass. I am a slave to ebay. All day today at work, I have been alt-tab-ing between a spreadsheet and glorious, glorious ebay. Every time someone walks in the door, alt-tab to spreadsheet. Type type type. They leave and I alt-tab right back to ebay.

Oh ebay, ebay, my darling, my love. How do I really love you? Let me count the ways-

1. The $ .99 cent ipod skin I got WITH belt clip (which I will never wear, for heaven's sake, how unfashionable is that) in "La Rouge", or red, for you dumbasses
2. The vintage dress with gold embroidered bolero jacket for $12.99
3. The satin chinese jacket in burgundy and gold, $2.25

How do I not like you so much?

1. The FM transmitter/ Car Charger that I totally won except the guy put a reserve price on it, which my awesome bid of $12 did not meet. Why the eff put a reserve price on something if you are gonna start the bidding at $.99 cents? I won that thing fair and square!
2. The bea-u-tiful vintage dress with a double V collar lined in velvet and peekaboo lace that I was outbid on. Not that I would ever wear a dress like that, no-no, way too girly. But I have owned a vintage dress with a double V velvet collar and peekaboo lace for less than $50 damn dollars. Now that's a deal.
3. The satin chinese jacket in burgundy and gold that was supposed to be a 38" bust, labeled XL, that so very obviously was neither 38" or XL. Someone skinny is getting a jacket for Xmas this year!!
4. Shipping and handling. ARGH! Shipping and muthafugging handling totally ruined my awesome deals! Sure, the ipod skin was only $8.99 total, still much cheaper than retail prices, but saying "eight ninety nine" is nothing like saying "ninety nine goddamn cents, beetch!"

Also, I don't have any money to go shopping because, quite simply, I don't really have any money. I'm a poor grad student and I should be rolling over my meager salary into my 401(b) for my future retirement needs, not spending it on cardigans with sparkly fake diamond buttons at Nordstrom Rack.

Right now I am currently obsessed with buying a pair of Dansko Margrete sandals (retail $100 to $125 damn dollars) for as cheap as I can get them. I am actually wearing a pair of Margrete sandals right this moment, but their condition is terrible. I fear that they will soon fall apart as I walk, leaving me someplace in DC without footwear and exposing me to horrible diseases of the unknown variety. I still wear them, however to testify as to how gawddamned awesome these shoes are.

me, walking down the street: "Halle-yoo-lah I love these shoes!"

The problem is, "as cheap as I can get them" on ebay means previously owned. As in someone else's' bare-ass feet in shoes that I may put my feet in. And not someone I know, like a roomie or my mom*, but a STRANGER's feet. A stranger that uses the INTERNET, which we all know is filled with perverts and FBI agents looking for perverts. And bloggers.

The second cheapest on ebay are someplace between $50 and 75, but I have to wait out the bidding wars. I can't wait! These damn shoes on my feet could go at any moment! I could buy another style of sandal, but that's risky.

You: "Center, risky? Danskos? Come on, they are made by the Danes. The Danes haven't been threatening since Vikings and the damn bronze age. In fact, when is anything Scandinavian even remotely risky?"

Well, rotten fish with bread, for one**. And a few months back I found a pair of $50 danskos at an outlet place and they turned out to be the most horriblest uncomfortable shoes on the planet. Wearing those shoes almost made me cry.

As a last option, I could just go out and buy myself a brand new pair, at retail value, never previously owned by a potential perverted FBI blogger and be assured in the quality of my purchase.

But what if something comes on ebay for $.99 cents and no one bids on it and I get some fucking DANSKOS for $.99 cents? Ninety Nine CENTS, mofo!

Ohmygod what if that has just been listed RIGHT NOW?!

I. Must. Bargain. Shop.

*From whom I stole my very first pair of Danskos, giving me both stylish and comfortable footwear, over two years ago. They are currently on my feet. Thanks mom!

** No seriously, you can buy it, in bulging cans which you have to open either underwater or outside, its so fucking gross. Its called "surstromming", which roughly translates to "the grossest shit on earth". I heart Sweden.