Wednesday, August 24, 2005

penance

Apparently, my overall lack of blogging lately means that I have to blog extra in order to make up for it (so sayeth MKD, amen). So, here we are.

I took off of work today, after a horrendous bout of insomnia last night. And I watched the most HYSTERICAL episode of Date My Mom on MTV today. Normally, this show blows a shitload and I never ever watch it, but today was a special lesbian episode-- and you know those homosexuals are always great for some laughs!

First off, on this show, instead of going on blind dates with the bachlorettes, our lez has to take our their moms and decide which gal she might like best based on her mother's representation of her. I'm just sayin', thank GAWD I'm never going to be on this show, because my mom would be all "never does the dishes, doesn't wash her hair enough, sleeps all the time."*

The first girl tells her mom to tell Shantell (the main lez), and I literally quote: "My daughter is stacked." The second lady makes her mom memorize one of her raps to recite to Shantell on their date. (Yeah, and the second lesbian was one of those polo-dykes, you know? Wears khakis, polos with popped collars, and backwards caps, kinda teenage-boyish. Which really screams "rap star" to me. Can you say identity crisis?) Then with the third mom, Shantell is like, "let's go eat some seafood. I really like clams, know-what-I'm-sayin".

I really like clams. And I'm a lesbian. Who wants to date your daughter.

Except that during their fishy (get it, get it?!?) lunch, Shantell had to explain what Butch, Femme, and Androgenous meant. Then the mom sorta forgot how tall her daughter was and was like, "She's 5'7". No, she's 5'11". Oh wait, its 5'9". Yeah." Except, I totally forgive the mom for this, because bitch had NINE FUCKING CHILDREN. After giving birth to nine kids, I'd probably be actively blocking out the memory of them too, fuck all this gay lingo and height shit.

(Quick aside: Ever notice how life gets SO FUNNY sometimes? Like, unbelievable hilarity ensuing around you and you kinda wonder if your the only person who truly gets it? I mean, this show actually happened. At 3pm this afternoon. On MTV. "I like clams." Are you kidding me with this shit?)

Other bits that Shantell said:

"She looks like Alicia Keys? My nipples are so hard right now!"
"When I saw her, I just wanted to rip those pants off!"
"If her mom's a redhead, I wonder if the daughter's a natural redhead too? On both heads. Or maybe no hair at all?"
"I like tongue rings because of what you can do with tongue rings."

Shantell decided to go with lezzie number one, the "stacked" gal. Who actually was this teeny tiny lil indie heartbreaker with a shaggy hair cut and knee socks. She asks Shantell why she picked her and Shantell replies,

"Because I really like cute jewish nerdy girls with glasses."




*Although, when the french guy moved in, he said he was a little scared to meet me because my mom had been going on and on about how great I was, how smart, how funny, how successful, blah di blah. YOU ARE SO BUSTED, MOM!!