Friday, December 16, 2005

fa la la your christmas spirit sucks

I loooove Christmas. I lovey dovey dove love it. I love cookies and the tree and the John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together album:

Image from

I especially love Christmas is Coming in which Miss Piggy does some awesome back up vocals.

I love Christmas so much that I absolutely can't stand all you whiners and moaners and your constant whining and moaning about how much Christmas sucks. You suck! Your mom!

And the fact that I hear most of this stuff from my very own friends makes me even crazier. What's wrong with you people?! Oh wait, I know:

A List of Your Complaints:
1. Ok fine, Baby Jeebus wasn't born in December or on the 25th.
2. Yes, Christmas is very very commercial
3. Yes, Christmas can be expensive.
4. Relatives do suck.
5. What's up with those crazy conservatives and their bitching about the word "Holiday"?

Thus Spake The Center of the Universe:

1. The only Christians that care about whether or not Jeebus was or wasn't born on the 25th are the crazy ones. WTF? There are presents under that tree!

2. And it has been since at least the 1920s so why don't you start complaining about why the moon isn't made of cheese and how much it sucks that ever since the printing press, any old idiot can publish something too. Oh and how women have periods and men have hairy chests. I'll start crying for you. After I get this giant middle finger out of my eye.

3. But you are the dumbass who spent all that money when there are a million and one ways to give nice inexpensive presents.

4. Yes. And?

5. Dear god, I know I ask for stuff all the time, but please this year smite these assholes, ok? Thanks. I mean, Amen.

To put my money where my mouth is, Three ways to avoid an expensive Xmas:

1. Institute a Secret Santa at home/the office/misc. social groups. Make a $5 limit. Or, just make a $5 limit for everyone and tell them when you give them the gift. "Its cheap, just like you!" or "Here's to a Cheap and Funny Xmas!" or "I know you're a Jew and don't celebrate Xmas, so I hardly spent any money on ya at all!" See how easy this is?

2. Send out an early email about how sad it is about all those little children with starving bloated bellies and how this year, all you want is donations made in your name to this or that Help The Starving Babies Fund. I did this one year and it was a complete success. No one donated any money and I didn't have to worry about buying anyone anything.

3. Just THANK PEOPLE for the NICE PRESENT they JUST GAVE you! There is nothing ruder than standing there and being all "oh thanks, cough, yours in the, erm, mail, um yeah cough" because we all know its a lie and suddenly, you make the person giving you a gift look like an asshole who only gives gifts in order to receive. The person just gave you a gift! Stop being a jerk! Say thanks and leave it at that!

and 3A. Just because someone buys you something doesn't mean you have to buy them something back. In fact, how about instead of running out and buying them something insincere and stupid and obviously last minute, you write a thank you card? NO ONE can be rude about a thank you card.

and 3B. If someone is rude about you not getting them a present back, now you know why they won't be getting one next year either.

Christmas, my darlings, isn't about money or stress, its about making everything look pretty and having a good time. What is so wrong with that? There is going to be crap for sale in stores in October next year too. People will be pushing and shoving at the mall every year from this one to the day you die. That's why god made Amazon, Bless Her Heart. So get some lights and a tree and a cookie and be happy for five minutes. Or get your Christmakwanzukkah on! Dreidels and Kente cloth for everyone!

Sweethearts, my dears, my lovelies-- put down the irony and the sarcasm for one moment and have a merry fucking christmas, bitches.