Thursday, January 19, 2006

junk in the trunk

I have something to talk about. Something weird and gross and totally embarrassing. Something you might judge me for, that's totally nasty, and you'll never be able to look at me the same forever afterwards. Something that will require me to use a lot of italics and exclamation points to describe:

I have an abscess.

I have an abscess on my ass.

Remember when I thought I had ass cancer cuz I found that weird lump in my left cheek? Well that lump turned into a bump and the bump became a sort of blister and the blister exploded and now I have an abscess.

Just so we get this straight-- this is not IN my ass, it's ON it. I don't know why, but that makes a really big difference to me, okay? Actually, its right in that area where the curve of your buttock meets your thigh. To the left of the taint. Ha ha, I said taint.

I've been dealing with this problem on and off for a year. The first half of the year it was still in the lump/bump range and there wasn't much I could do about it. I saw my doctor and he said, "its a cyst. Come back if something happens." Yay, modern medicine!

The second half was the blister period- you know, with the pus and the swelling and shite- and I really really should have done something about it. But I (literally) sat on it until it demanded medical attention.

So, Tuesday night I'm sitting in class and it starts to hurt. Which isn't entirely new, its done that before. But then later that night I'm walking to the metro and it hurts so bad, I swear to god, I'm limping.

I'm limping because of a problem with my ass.

I get home and its like half a tennis ball of pain and throbbiness. I finally let my mom look at it (she's been offering forever since she heard about the pus) and she's like, "EW!" Thanks, mom.

I decide to go to the doctor Wednesday morning when I roll out of bed and realize I still can't walk right. Of course, when I call into work I tell them that I threw my back out again. Which would kinda explain the limp, I rationalize to myself. I am irrationally afraid that the Admin is going to somehow know and be like, "ARE YOU SURE ITS NOT YOUR ASS?", but she doesn't.

Trying to make a last minute appointment to see the doctor means you really have to have a problem. I screw up all the courage I have inside me and tell that secretary "I HAVE AN ABSCESS ON MY GROINAL AREA."

At the doctor's office, I pull my pants down and the doctor takes one look at it and says, "Yup, you've got yourself an nice little abscess there!"

Then she sticks a needle with lydocaine into it. That hurt. Then she's cuts it. Ok, that hurt too. Then she says, "I have to press on it to get all the pus out" and dear god, I almost start crying, I mean seriously sobbing right there on the table with my ass all up in the air and my abscess doing god knows what all over the crinkly paper.

And the doctor says, "Yeah, this is an abscess right here, it really is!"

So she decides to do more lydocaine so she can press on it more without killing me (or me killing her). She cuts it more. She presses more. At this point, I'm actually saying, "OUCHIE OUCHIE OUCHIE" and getting ready to kick her in the head.

Then we're finished. We're exhausted. We both want a cigarette real bad. My ass is throbbing and I've never felt sorrier for myself in my life. My poor poor ass.

So that's my dirty little secret. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a hot bath now. I need to soak my ass.