Friday, February 03, 2006

if i was a singer, i'd sing about myself

And if I was a dancer, I'd dance an homage to my righteousness.  I'd paint a portait of my splendiferousness.  I'd climb a Mt Everest and pick out my name with my ice hatchett thing so that the astronauts in space could know me and my total awesome-tastic-ness.  I'd draw you a picture of what that would look like but the new student employee is standing right next to me.  While I write myself an email.  Not from my work address.

Um, anywho.. In order to further love myself, I give you a list of little known facts about me:

1. I love books.
2. I love reading books.
3. I love being an archivist.

I know, I know, you really already know these things about me.  Most people can tell them just by looking at me, especially when I have my glasses on and am reading "Archives and You: A Love Story" on the train.

You know what most people can't tell when they look at me?  I'm semi-gay.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if I ever get myself a girlfriend to settle down with, I'd go all the way gay.  I would.  Just you wait.

AP and MKD were like, its so hard being gay, go straight!  And I was like, but its so cool being gay!  Its hardcore!  I'm in the cool kids club! 

Oh sure, there was some talk about my real needs, hopes and dreams, but mainly, its the cool factor that drives me.  In all things.  Archives are way cool.  Shut up.

You know what isn't cool?  A man wearing pink pants.  Pink chinos, to be exact.  And I hated him on sight.

I had exactly three impressions as I walked by the said pink chino wear-er on campus today:

1. You go gay guy!  Assert that "I grew up being called a sissy now I'm a man and I wear PINK, BITCH" masculinity!  Snaps!
2. Oh lordy, no.  This is a man that should never be left alone with a pile of clothes.
3. Wait a minute.. He's not gay!  He's not man-dumb!  HE'S A PREPPY ASSHOLE IN PINK CHINOS!

I instantly regretted the "snaps!" because they are so 1998.  And that's when the anger came- a river of fury.  Who does that guy think he is, wearing pink chinos?  The only people allowed to wear pink chinos are stupid men that don't know no better or the gays!  Because otherwise, its anarchy!  Chaos!  The breakdown of civilization! 

And then I had a After School Special Moment and remembered Kanye West.  Kanye West wears pink.  I'm prejudiced against my own people. 

I said to myself, "if you're so splendiferous, why do you go around assuming the only men who wear pink are BIG OLE SISSY GAY BOYS!

So I said to myself, "Because the only men WHO DO go around wearing pink ARE GAY.  Or Kanye West.  And he's not calling me a golddigger."

And then I replied, "That's gay-ist."

And I said, "Gayist is stupid, don't ever say it again."

But I continued, "so if he isn't gay and he isn't man-dumb about fashion, then he is an asshole?"

"Well," I paused, "we all know the formula (pants X color) + (shirt x fabric)= Preppy Asshole, and if we apply those values and carry the 1, then we get.. Preppy Asshole."

So that's that.  I'm great and he's a jerk in pink pants.