I have BREAKING NEWS, PEOPLE--
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Just in: Crime on Campus!
Missing: One black peacoat, full of expensive cool shizz and one SmarTrip card.
Suspect: One student employee who mistook said jacket-- laden with cool shizz: cell, Personal Multimedia Center, wallet with SmarTrip card, cigarettes, cough drops, and old receipts-- and took it with her on HER TWO AND A HALF HOUR LUNCH BREAK!!
Found: One black peacoat with hood, green gloves, and no cell phone, Personal Multimedia center, wallet with SmarTrip card, cigarettes, cough drops, and old receipts.
Needed: A GODDAMN CIGARETTE!
Just newly acquired information on Suspect: Suspect is suspected to be at class until 3, the exact time the victim leaves for her own class, which is not on campus, but instead, a metro ride away.
Minutes after the victim found out that she had wasted months and months of research looking for something that a researcher got completely wrong, even after viewing JPGs of the wrong thing, wrong, wrong, WRONG, the quest for the perfect cigarette break to soothe frazzled nerves ended in Heartache and Dismay this afternoon. "Where is my goddamn coat?", an eye witness recalls hearing the reporter ask. "Who's coat is THIS?!", she apparently continued.
No news on the current status of the coat or if any demands have been made.
We return to your regularly scheduled programming.