Friday, March 10, 2006

mind your manners

Sometimes I think figuring out the gay-ish-ness of mine this late in life totally sucks.  I've really missed out on a lot of important gay milestones and coming out to your friends as somewhat lezbo but then only dating men for the next few years just confuses everyone.

However, having spent so much time in the trenches of male-female relationships, I have learned a few lessons.  A few important lessons like: don't cling or be seen as clingy in any possible way, don't talk about marriage or even what's happening next month (see: clingy), and my personal favorite, only act psychotic if you are hot enough to keep him anyways.

So, I started emailing a lady from the internet this week and its been pretty good.  I'm all busy with this comps shit so I don't know when I can actually meet her, although she emailed late last night and asks me if I play pool and I say yes.  This is obviously the set up for an invite.

Today she messages me via Gmail Chat and asks if I want to meet up with her and friends for pool tonight.  I'm psychic.

And now, I'd like to introduce today's feature program--

LESSONS FOR LESBIANS
names have been changed to protect the innocent

Lesson #1. I don't really want to meet you and all your friends at the same time, especially the first time we meet in person.

Besides this internet-dating faux pas I say that I probably can't (I'm meeting a friend for studying comps stuff tonight) but maybe something on Saturday?  She says her only plan is  -- oh and I quote

Lezz: avoiding [a lesbian club] is all I know.
oh and probably not getting laid because my roommate stole my fuck buddy.

[long pause]

Lesson #2: If you just looking to get laid, be direct and forthright about it early in the emailing relationship.  Do not wait until the first real-time conversation.

[a lot of typing and deleting]

 me: how bitchy

 Lezz: meh... they each had crushes on one another and my stupid ass is still pining for my ex.

[really long pause]

Lesson #3: Sharing this much information in the first real time conversation is a bit-- shall we say-- disconcerting.

Be witty, be funny, be flirty.  But for chrissake, don't follow talk about fuck buddies with a mention of exes!  Other topics to avoid: politics, religion, height and weight body fat ration.  Also, on a personal note, sharing between roommates is gross.

But let's continute--

[a lot of typing and deleting]

me
: i hate exes. do away with the lot of them

Lezz: she's one of the only exs i still talk to. that and i'd kind of like to marry her. quite uncharacteristic of me, but shit happens.

[for serious fucking long pause]

[really seriously concerted typing and deleting]

me: good to know

Lesson #4: Don't tell me about the ex you still pine after and seriously-- don't tell me you want to marry that person.  Seriously.

All I can say about this entire conversation is WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

And, to be honest, while I normally prefer meeting right away to talking online, on the phone, blah blah blah, thank GAWD this crazy bitch messaged me before I met her.  For real.