Wednesday, September 06, 2006

mainlining that sweet 0101010010101

Today I opened up the student newspaper to find the following title:

EXPERTS WARN COLLEGE STUDENTS AT HIGH RISK OF INTERNET ADDICTION

Could this possibly be true? I don't want to sit here and say "how could someone print this shit?" because obviously, they did. But seriously folks, to say that I "guffawed" when I read the title is to severely understate my reaction. If I had been drinking chocolate milk, it would have squirted out my nose, across the desk, and right into the face of the researcher signing in to use the archives.

College students are at risk for internet addiction? Internet addiction? Did they actually just say the words "internet addiction"? This has people doing scientific inquiry? There are GRANTS paying for this kind of so-obvious-its-retarded science? Are they going to re-prove gravity next, you know, just in case?

Sadly, I read the article.

(The link is ridiculous-- here it is broken into parts. You know, just in case)
http://media.www.dailyvidette.com/media/storage/paper420/news/2006/08/31/Features/
College.Students.At.High.Risk.Of.Internet.Addiction-2252399.shtml?
sourcedomain=www.dailyvidette.com&MIIHost=media.collegepublisher.com


The article contained the following:

( queue portentous music: bah bah BAAAAAAHHH)

The Signs of INTERNET ADDICTION:
  1. Becoming preoccupied with thoughts of using the computer
  2. Becoming dishonest about actual time spent on the computer.
The Consequences of INTERNET ADDICTION:
  1. A tendency for withdrawal from social activity leading to depression and anxiety
  2. A tendency for withdrawal from social activity leading to social anxiety
  3. A chance of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, if you type excessive amounts with bad posture.
  4. Less than recommended amounts of daily exercise
  5. Less than recommended amount of attention paid to nutrition in daily diet

Interested in just how far this could go, I googled "internet addiction". At first, I was tickled pink by the results. Seeing them in all their this-can't-be-serious glory gave me one more chance to laugh my ass off before I settled in to do some real work (ha ha).

Here is the best of what I found:

The Center for Internet Addiction, http://www.netaddiction.com/

With the following actual text, only slightly taken out of context:

"dozens of lives shattered by an overwhelming compulsion to surf the net."

Looking into and thinking about it now, I'm less on the funny side and more on the oh-god, this is so totally going to be a topic on an upcoming Dr "I have a PhD in common sense like I said in my book if you read it" Phil special guest appearance on 20/20.

DOZENS of LIVES SHATTERED by an OVERWHELMING COMPULSION to SURF! THE! NET!!!!!

You heard it here first, kiddos.